Give it Now or Pay it Later...

It was one of those moments. I was in a hurry. I had just spent 4 hours shopping in downtown LA for a prom dress for my daughter. I needed to get home so I could get to work. I was tired. I was rushing – focused on weaving my way through the crowded sidewalks so I could get to my car quickly. I was fixated on one thing; Get out of LA, fast. It’s ironic how you can have one of those moments right in the middle of one of those other kind of moments.

Without warning, time ceased. I was rushing – but I was stopped. I was 120% focused on my mission to get out of LA, and yet all my attention was on the man – the blonde, unshaven, scruffy, dirty man with a tattered blue backpack on his shoulder. He was asking for a dime.

“A dime?” I thought. “He’s only asking for a dime?”

“I haven’t eaten in three days.” He said. “I just need a dime to get a hotdog.”

My instinctive reaction was, no. I can’t.

“Can someone help me?” He called out. “Please?”

“No,” I said to myself. “I don’t have any money.” which is usually true. We are on a strict budget and I almost never have cash. But today I did. I had a lot of money with me. Money left over from buying the prom dress. Money that we had not yet spent on shoes and jewelry. But I also had other money with me – my money. Money I had been saving. I had $15. It had taken me 12 weeks to save $15 dollars out of our air-tight Dave Ramsey Budget. It was my money. Money to buy myself a cup of coffee, or a yogurt, or a pair of earrings. It was my money to spend on anything I wanted. And I wanted to save it. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t saving for something I lacked. Everything I need, and the general things I want, we pay for out of our budget. This money was to be spent on something I wanted. And I wanted to save it until I could do something really frivolous.

So I stuck my hand in my purse to grab a dollar to give to the man who hadn’t eaten in three days. But my fingers were sticky from the bacon wrapped hotdog I had just eaten. It was a perfect hotdog – crispy bacon wrapped around a juicy hot dog piled high with onions and peppers and pico de gallo and avocado and mustard… And my fingers stuck to a ten dollar bill instead of a one. “Give him the ten” I heard myself say to myself. To which I replied, “No. He only asked for a dime. I am being much more generous than he expects.” My fingers were sticky and I couldn’t shake off the ten. “No,” I said again to myself with more conviction. “Hot dogs are only $3 and if he is only ten cents away from getting a hotdog, then he doesn’t need a ten. He doesn’t even need a one.” I continued to shake the money from my fingers. “No – I am not going to give him $10.” One last shake and the ten dropped to the bottom of my purse. I found a dollar and I thrust it at his hand while I continued to rush towards my car. Back on track, time took its place again and I was on my way. I don’t even think I looked him in the eyes. I don’t even think I missed a step.

I got home on time, finished my work and sat down to record the money I had spent in LA and to account for the cash I had left over. I added the receipts and counted the cash. I counted the cash and added the receipts. Again. And again. I was off. I was missing $20. I mentally retraced my day. I carefully recalled each transaction. I had kept every receipt. And yet, I could not find the $20 anywhere. Suddenly I saw the man on the street and I could hear the voice in my head gently nudging me to give him $10. And I could hear me, selfishly, stubbornly resisting the voice. And I began to wonder…

What if it had been God’s voice asking me to give the man $10? What if God knew the need in this man’s life and it wasn’t ten cents – or a dollar, but it was ten dollars? And what if God knew I could give him the money and so He asked me to do it? What if it was God’s voice asking me to help this man, this man He loved? And I said no. No God, I want this ten dollars to spend on me.

To spend on me.

I didn’t need it. I just wanted it for me. I hadn't felt prompted to give him everything I had. I hadn't even felt compelled to give him some of the money I set aside for my daughter’s prom. I only felt nudged to give him a portion of “my” money. A small portion. And I said no.

I took the remaining $14 of “my” money out of my purse, and I put it in the envelope with the money that belonged back in our account. I took this week’s allotment of $5 that I give to myself from our budget each week to spend on myself, I and put it in the envelope too. And next week, I will put in one dollar more from my allotted 5, to replace the missing $20. Not because I have to to pay our bills, but to remind me that everything I have is not mine. It is and always will be God’s.

Silencing the Voices

Philippians 4:6-9
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be mad known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence, and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

My Plans…
6:00 – wake up
7:00 – head out to get coffee and spend some time reading/studying for devotions
8:00 – go to the store to get the items for school that I forgot to get last night and drop them off at my daughter’s school
8:30 – head to the office to get some work done before meeting with staff

My Reality…
6:00 – stumble down the hall to wake up 17 year-old daughter
6:01 – return to bed with the alarm reset for 6:30
6:30 – stumble down the hall to reawaken my 17 year-old daughter
8:00 – leave the house, no time for devotions, head to the store
8:30 – leave the store after spending 30 minutes texting back and forth with my daughter to make sure I am buying the right stuff.
8:35 – realize I forgot to put dinner in the crockpot. U-turn from taking the items to school and stop at the house to throw a pot-roast in the crockpot
8:45 – head to my daughter’s school
8:46 – realize I forgot my lap top and proceed to U-turn
8:50 – leave the house again and head to her school
9:00 – arrive at her school and drive up and down the parking lot to find her car
9:04 – find her car and realize I didn’t bring keys U-turn and head home
9:15 – leave the house (again) and head for the school
9:25 – arrive at school and leave the items in her car
9:26 - Begin lamenting about my morning…not only did I miss my coffee, miss my devotional time, use up precious gas, but I am now late for the office…I didn’t get to spend the morning as I planned. I spent the morning running around and now I feel frazzled, hurried, rushed, and pressured.

So, I did it again. I made a U-turn.

I decided to not go down the road where the voices were loud, where I was being taunted. I decided not to travel with the sounds that told me I had failed. That I had been lazy, sluggish, and unfocused, I decided not to pay attention to the accusations that I had caused the morning to go badly. While they were technically accurate, listening to them was NOT productive. So, I decided to U-turn and go down another road. I went to the coffee house. I got out Crazy Love and read my chapter. I got out my Bible and read through some verses I am trying to memorize and most importantly I silenced the voices – the ones that were telling me I had ruined my day, that I was late and wouldn’t be able to catch up, and instead I filled my mind with Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11 and Proverbs 3:5, 6 and Romans 12:1-2 and I reread Jackie’s post about Showering with the Apostle Paul.

And I realized that while I had made poor choices and got myself into a bad morning I did not have to stay there. I could choose to listen to God’s words – or my own negative self-condemnation. And today, I chose to “renew my mind.” Best day EVER! (Ok, well maybe not the best day ever, but it was certainly better than it started out!)

Undone

That’s what I am feeling now. I’m coming undone. Unraveling like a sweater. Spinning round and round as the threads come untied and the yarn piles in tangled knots on the ground. I am the sweater, torn, and disjointed, half in piles on the floor and half still clinging to what was once a beautiful sweater. I was fashionable, comfortable, practical and beautiful and now I am a heap of useless twisted, matted yarn thrown on the floor.

So tell me, how does one come undone and not fall apart? How does one end their role as the parent of children and gracefully become the parent of adults? How do I pick up the pieces of yarn on the floor and knit something new? How do I walk through this stage of life and survive? Is it a stage? It feels so permanent. The diapering and the bedtime stories so suddenly became the proms and graduations. I woke up one morning, and it was all over - before I even imagined it my children out grew me.

I am a torn sweater. I am exposed, naked, full of imperfections and feeling so vulnerable, so alone, so lost and helpless.

It's not that my children aren't amazing. They love God. They make wise choices. They cause me no worry…though they have not been perfect. The house is a mess, we are broke, and I still lay awake into the early morning hours waiting for each of them to make their way safely back to our home.

It's that I have not been enough for them.

I have not been perfect. I have made mistakes. Painful ones. Mistakes born of poor judgment, of following my pride, from trying to be the one in complete control, and that is what haunts me now. It’s not that they have turned out poorly, but that I have turned out poorly. I feel like they are who they are not because of me, but in spite of me. That somehow they managed to rise above all of my errors and misjudgments and poor parenting and so now, they owe me nothing. No relationship, no thankfulness, no concern. Don't get me wrong, I want them to be independent of me. I don't want them living on my sofa sucking my life away. But I don’t wish them to be done with me either. I don't want them to dismiiss me like an employee whose job has become obsolete.

I have loved and prepared for every stage of parenting, and thought I was prepared for this one. But, like many other seasons of my life, I find I am entering it with fear. Are they going to just walk away? Will they say, "I’m 18 – see ya.” And never look back? It feels like this is it. That there is no next stage coming. How do I let go without coming undone?

Will they ever give me the grace to have not been the perfect mom they needed? Will they ever tell me, "Mom, it’s OK?" Will they ever throw their arms around me and say that they love me because I am their mom; I am good, I am bad, I am imperfect and yet, I am the one they love. Will they tell me that they do not hold against me the times I let them down? That they remember more than the disappointment, the hurt and the ways I failed them? Is that a stage still to come? This can’t be it, right? It doesn’t end like this, does it? I feel like I am stepping off into the unknown and I am undone, unprepared, naked and ashamed.

What is on the other side? Is it good? Is it pleasing? Will I be knitted back together, as beautiful, whole, and complete? Or will I stay undone forever?

Psalm 3
O LORD, how my fearful thoughts have increased!
Many insecurities are rising up against me.
Many voices are saying that
"There is no deliverance for me."
But You O LORD are a shield about me
You are my glory - not my children, but You, You are my glory
My glory is not found in "turning out" perfect children
My glory is not found in the "perfect" job, or being the perfect wife, or the perfect mother or the perfect
anything
My glory is You and YOU are the one who lifts my head...
YOU are the one who gives me worth
YOU are the one who loves without condition
Who sees my hopes, my dreams and my desires
Who sees me as the one You love
I cry out to You
And You answer me.
And I will not be afraid of the ten-thousand fearful voices in my head
Who have set themselves against me
For You will answer my cries
And You will sustain me
~the Susan Version