Give it Now or Pay it Later...

It was one of those moments. I was in a hurry. I had just spent 4 hours shopping in downtown LA for a prom dress for my daughter. I needed to get home so I could get to work. I was tired. I was rushing – focused on weaving my way through the crowded sidewalks so I could get to my car quickly. I was fixated on one thing; Get out of LA, fast. It’s ironic how you can have one of those moments right in the middle of one of those other kind of moments.

Without warning, time ceased. I was rushing – but I was stopped. I was 120% focused on my mission to get out of LA, and yet all my attention was on the man – the blonde, unshaven, scruffy, dirty man with a tattered blue backpack on his shoulder. He was asking for a dime.

“A dime?” I thought. “He’s only asking for a dime?”

“I haven’t eaten in three days.” He said. “I just need a dime to get a hotdog.”

My instinctive reaction was, no. I can’t.

“Can someone help me?” He called out. “Please?”

“No,” I said to myself. “I don’t have any money.” which is usually true. We are on a strict budget and I almost never have cash. But today I did. I had a lot of money with me. Money left over from buying the prom dress. Money that we had not yet spent on shoes and jewelry. But I also had other money with me – my money. Money I had been saving. I had $15. It had taken me 12 weeks to save $15 dollars out of our air-tight Dave Ramsey Budget. It was my money. Money to buy myself a cup of coffee, or a yogurt, or a pair of earrings. It was my money to spend on anything I wanted. And I wanted to save it. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t saving for something I lacked. Everything I need, and the general things I want, we pay for out of our budget. This money was to be spent on something I wanted. And I wanted to save it until I could do something really frivolous.

So I stuck my hand in my purse to grab a dollar to give to the man who hadn’t eaten in three days. But my fingers were sticky from the bacon wrapped hotdog I had just eaten. It was a perfect hotdog – crispy bacon wrapped around a juicy hot dog piled high with onions and peppers and pico de gallo and avocado and mustard… And my fingers stuck to a ten dollar bill instead of a one. “Give him the ten” I heard myself say to myself. To which I replied, “No. He only asked for a dime. I am being much more generous than he expects.” My fingers were sticky and I couldn’t shake off the ten. “No,” I said again to myself with more conviction. “Hot dogs are only $3 and if he is only ten cents away from getting a hotdog, then he doesn’t need a ten. He doesn’t even need a one.” I continued to shake the money from my fingers. “No – I am not going to give him $10.” One last shake and the ten dropped to the bottom of my purse. I found a dollar and I thrust it at his hand while I continued to rush towards my car. Back on track, time took its place again and I was on my way. I don’t even think I looked him in the eyes. I don’t even think I missed a step.

I got home on time, finished my work and sat down to record the money I had spent in LA and to account for the cash I had left over. I added the receipts and counted the cash. I counted the cash and added the receipts. Again. And again. I was off. I was missing $20. I mentally retraced my day. I carefully recalled each transaction. I had kept every receipt. And yet, I could not find the $20 anywhere. Suddenly I saw the man on the street and I could hear the voice in my head gently nudging me to give him $10. And I could hear me, selfishly, stubbornly resisting the voice. And I began to wonder…

What if it had been God’s voice asking me to give the man $10? What if God knew the need in this man’s life and it wasn’t ten cents – or a dollar, but it was ten dollars? And what if God knew I could give him the money and so He asked me to do it? What if it was God’s voice asking me to help this man, this man He loved? And I said no. No God, I want this ten dollars to spend on me.

To spend on me.

I didn’t need it. I just wanted it for me. I hadn't felt prompted to give him everything I had. I hadn't even felt compelled to give him some of the money I set aside for my daughter’s prom. I only felt nudged to give him a portion of “my” money. A small portion. And I said no.

I took the remaining $14 of “my” money out of my purse, and I put it in the envelope with the money that belonged back in our account. I took this week’s allotment of $5 that I give to myself from our budget each week to spend on myself, I and put it in the envelope too. And next week, I will put in one dollar more from my allotted 5, to replace the missing $20. Not because I have to to pay our bills, but to remind me that everything I have is not mine. It is and always will be God’s.