So tell me, how does one come undone and not fall apart? How does one end their role as the parent of children and gracefully become the parent of adults? How do I pick up the pieces of yarn on the floor and knit something new? How do I walk through this stage of life and survive? Is it a stage? It feels so permanent. The diapering and the bedtime stories so suddenly became the proms and graduations. I woke up one morning, and it was all over - before I even imagined it my children out grew me.
I am a torn sweater. I am exposed, naked, full of imperfections and feeling so vulnerable, so alone, so lost and helpless.
It's not that my children aren't amazing. They love God. They make wise choices. They cause me no worry…though they have not been perfect. The house is a mess, we are broke, and I still lay awake into the early morning hours waiting for each of them to make their way safely back to our home.
It's that I have not been enough for them.
I have not been perfect. I have made mistakes. Painful ones. Mistakes born of poor judgment, of following my pride, from trying to be the one in complete control, and that is what haunts me now. It’s not that they have turned out poorly, but that I have turned out poorly. I feel like they are who they are not because of me, but in spite of me. That somehow they managed to rise above all of my errors and misjudgments and poor parenting and so now, they owe me nothing. No relationship, no thankfulness, no concern. Don't get me wrong, I want them to be independent of me. I don't want them living on my sofa sucking my life away. But I don’t wish them to be done with me either. I don't want them to dismiiss me like an employee whose job has become obsolete.
I have loved and prepared for every stage of parenting, and thought I was prepared for this one. But, like many other seasons of my life, I find I am entering it with fear. Are they going to just walk away? Will they say, "I’m 18 – see ya.” And never look back? It feels like this is it. That there is no next stage coming. How do I let go without coming undone?
Will they ever give me the grace to have not been the perfect mom they needed? Will they ever tell me, "Mom, it’s OK?" Will they ever throw their arms around me and say that they love me because I am their mom; I am good, I am bad, I am imperfect and yet, I am the one they love. Will they tell me that they do not hold against me the times I let them down? That they remember more than the disappointment, the hurt and the ways I failed them? Is that a stage still to come? This can’t be it, right? It doesn’t end like this, does it? I feel like I am stepping off into the unknown and I am undone, unprepared, naked and ashamed.
What is on the other side? Is it good? Is it pleasing? Will I be knitted back together, as beautiful, whole, and complete? Or will I stay undone forever?
Psalm 3
O LORD, how my fearful thoughts have increased!
Many insecurities are rising up against me.
Many voices are saying that
"There is no deliverance for me."
But You O LORD are a shield about me
You are my glory - not my children, but You, You are my glory
My glory is not found in "turning out" perfect children
My glory is not found in the "perfect" job, or being the perfect wife, or the perfect mother or the perfect
anything
My glory is You and YOU are the one who lifts my head...
YOU are the one who gives me worth
YOU are the one who loves without condition
Who sees my hopes, my dreams and my desires
Who sees me as the one You love
I cry out to You
And You answer me.
And I will not be afraid of the ten-thousand fearful voices in my head
Who have set themselves against me
For You will answer my cries
And You will sustain me
~the Susan Version
3 comments:
In 2007, when Emily was about to graduate from High School, a very dear friend who had raised 2 daughters of her own and was now enjoying the fruits of her labor (aka-grandchildren) would tell me often,
"You are going to have an amazing daughter...when she is about 26"
It will come to you. You and each one of your beautiful daughters will have wonderful friendships when they are adults.
Getting through the next few years may be tricky, but not impossible. Remember Jeff's sermon about Valleys and Mountains? Well, this may be a Valley for a while--but there is a Mountain on the Horizon!
Thanks Jackie. I do have AMAZING kids. I think this was born from the day I realized that they don't HAVE to 'keep in touch.' And I started to doubt ME...I started to question whether I had been a 'good enough' mom that they would desire to be with me. I do that with most relationships in my life. I know I want to be in a relationship with them...but WHY would they want to be friends with ME? I am learning to not listen to those voices anymore. But some days they are SOOOOOO loud!
When I left Colin in KY for college I thought my heart would break and I cried more than I ever have. Now with two more leaving soon I face the emptyness of not knowing where I stand in life. My role of stay at home mom to a house of kids is almost over and I have to be redefined as something else. That's scary.
Now I can't talk to Colin everyday and hug on him but it makes my day when I get a simple "I love you" or "I miss you" on my facebook wall. I know your pain Things have changed some because of distance. We don't communicate as often because he is a man of few words but all I need now is that small phrase he sends. And when he does call me of his own accord, he will talk for an hour! It leaves my heart singing.
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