P is for PARTY

It's that time again.  Time to get out the party invitations.   Make the lists - food, decorations, tables and chairs, it's time to celebrate another high school graduate!  I sent the cards to the printer yesterday, finalized the guest list last night and then began organizing the 'to do' list.  And it was overwhelming.  It sounded so simple at the get go.  Let's have some friends over to celebrate.  Let's have an open house.  And being a 'big picture' kinda girl - it seemed like an uncomplicated thing to do.  But, it really isn't.  And the more I thought about all that needed to be done, the more concerned I became of getting it all done.  But, being one who learns from past experiences, (H is for Help) I decided to call some friends.  The first friend said she was camping and wouldn't be able to help.  No problem I told her - have fun!  The second friend I called, I didn't even get a chance to ask.  She monopolized the entire conversation with how overwhelming her life is right now.  I thought of a third friend, who had initially promised to help, but the date conflicts with previous plans so she's out - and I began to sense an old familiar feeling.

It starts like a wave - gently lapping at my feet.  Over the years, I have begun to recognize it.  And most days, I can step right out of its flow before it overtakes me - but last night, I didn't want to move out of its destructive path.  I wanted to be swept away.  Thoughts of  depression began to swell and I could feel the pull of its current. And I knew at that moment that I needed to walk away - but I didn't have the fight in me.  And so I sat there, with the phone in my hand and I began to listen to the voices in my head.

"No one ever helps you."  The soft whispers began. 
"You are alone." 
"You can't do this."
"If they loved you - they would help.  No one must love you."

I thought about calling a fourth friend - one who had just that morning assured me of her help - but by now the waves lapping at my ankles had become a rip tide dragging me out to sea. 

"Why do you even try?"
"Look around you - everyone else helps everyone else - but no one helps you"

And suddenly I found myself at another kind of party.  A dangerous one.  A destructive one.  I was having a pity party.
I got up and walked away from the table.  I still felt the pull.  I still felt the longing to go to my room, and pull the covers over my head.  But I walked to another room of the house and tried to distract myself.  I didn't have the energy to truly fight it off, to go to my knees in prayer and banish it from my home.  The truth is, there was a part of me that really did want to be carried away - but enough of me knew that doing so was a selfish, self absorbed pathetic path that I didn't want to walk.

And, writing this now, in the light of day, it really does sound pathetic.  "Really, Susan," I chastise myself.  "All of that over planning a party?  No wonder God doesn't call you to big tasks - you can't even handle a party."

Did you catch that - the waters are starting to rise again.  Even in the process of seeing how stupid it was to be upset I can spiral into dark, unhealthy thoughts.  You see, it wasn't the party planning.  It was when I focused on what I don't have, what I don't get, what I, I, I...it was when I took my eyes off of the God of the universe, the one who loves me with more passion and zeal than anyone I know, when I took my eyes off of the one who saved my soul - the one who right now is preparing the ultimate party, that is when the waves of depression begin to swell.  When I no longer care about those around me - when all I can see is me - that is when I can be easily swept away.

I wish I could conclude this post with some sage words of wisdom of how all is now good and I am 100% focused on God and His love for me - but I'm not quite there yet.  I know what I need to do - pray, read scripture (especially the Psalms), but all of that takes energy that today I do not possess.  So, instead I will end by saying, I am not over taken by the waves.  I am standing firm - but the water is still there, lapping at my feet.  And some days, it is just good enough to not drown, to not go under. Because otherwise I will begin to chastise myself for not being stronger - for being weak and the waters will rise.  Not today.  Today I am not going to a pity party - I am turning down the invitation.